The Enlightenment Conundrum

I have a confession to make. ..

Even with all of my meditation and study and all the years I’ve been practicing, there are still some days that I feel like a fraud. Seriously. With as much as I try to pass along and espouse the benefits of a solid buddhist practice, there are times when I allow myself to become a victim of my own circumstances and I start to question my own integrity and end up at an impasse. 

What I mean is, there are times when I find it difficult to follow my own advice and even with my best intentions in check, I still fall short. Sometimes when I’m faced with a challenge that seems futile, even though I know the answer is undoubtedly within me, I still allow my fear to hold me back and as a result, my ability to make any decision is frozen. So I procrastinate… and I stagnate… until I’m spiraling down the dark hole of doubt and self sabotage...

I know, I know… you thought that perhaps because I’m a buddhist and I do my best to walk the Eightfold Path, that I shouldn’t ever feel that way, nor should I allow my inner dialogue or my outer circumstances to dictate my emotions. After all, buddhists are always happy and positive, perpetually immune from letting negative emotions gain a foothold and never allowing the devil in the front door, right? Uhh, wrong. Well, at least partially… 

In reality, practicing buddhism doesn’t exempt the practitioner from hardships or suffering. On the contrary, when one commits to the practice they soon realize that the reason the suffering gets the most attention is because most of the wisdom of the dharma validates itself by the things we learn by going through hardships and overcoming them. The fundamental reason we practice is to train ourselves to break through our own obstacles and develop our sense of courage and self-confidence, which in turn will strengthen our life condition. By setting an example, we can  help others who are suffering, to do the same. 

I’m always trying to do the best I can, to pass on whatever little wisdom I’ve gleaned throughout my life and through my practice, with the intention of helping others open up to the awareness of their own buddha consciousness, which all of us possess, without question. 

It’s through that awareness that we develop more compassion and empathy and then share the goal of creating peace amongst all people and doing our best to leave the world a little better, having lived. This is the reason I committed to the practice of buddhism and precisely what it means to walk the path of a bodhisattva. Yet, even though I have absolute conviction that there isn’t a hint of falsehood in the words or philosophy of the dharma, the fact is, I will still always be human and when I let my guard down, sometimes I allow the demons of negativity and self doubt to creep in, despite my best efforts to stay the course. 

There are days when all the wisdom I’ve accrued suddenly gets locked in the trunk and the next thing I know, I’m handcuffed and riding shotgun, as the Devil King of the Sixth Heaven (otherwise known as “DK6”) takes the wheel and I’m hanging on for dear life as he leads me on another wild ride. Each time this happens, I need to devise a new way to resume control of my vehicle and put myself back on track, because DK6 is both clever and cunning. In fact, he knows me better than I know myself, so he’s always one step ahead of my sleeping buddha consciousness.

That’s when I begin to feel like a fraud. After all, how could I let this happen? Again..? With all that I’ve learned and all that I exhort to others about the benefits of practicing, how could I allow myself to be connived by the forces of negativity and self doubt? After all, aren’t I an “enlightened buddha”? 

Just because someone is endlessly seeking enlightenment, doesn’t mean that they haven’t already had glimpses of it, or experienced what it feels like. Even the most devout monk will tell you that enlightenment is not to be found on some distant mountaintop, away from society and civilization. Enlightenment is there, hiding in plain sight, within the chaos of everyday life. The light bulb has always been inside us, we just need to flip the switch and illuminate our life. But first we need to find the switch. The way we find it is by navigating through the dark tunnels of our setbacks, hardships and disappointments and learning the lessons each one teaches us. This is how wisdom is developed. Remember, it’s only a mistake if you fail to learn from it and then, repeat it.

We all, without exception, possess the ability to experience enlightenment and that ability is within the realization and acknowledgement of our inherent buddha nature. The buddha nature is the universal consciousness that I broke down and explained in the first episode of the podcast. It’s that innate sense that each of us, without exception, has the ability to “attain enlightenment” and navigate our lives from the control tower of our peak life condition, where we can see things for what they are and not allow ourselves to be swayed or knocked off course by the winds of negativity. 

Another “buzz” word you’ll hear some buddhists use synonymously with the word enlightenment is “buddhahood.” Buddhahood is the highest of what are referred to as the Ten Worlds. These are ten distinct life states we’re constantly shuffling through, based on our life condition at any given moment, with hell being the lowest and buddhahood being the highest. The most amazing thing about these Ten Worlds is that within each one is the potential for the other nine ...but that’s a discussion for another blog!

Early on in my practice, the most important thing I learned about enlightenment, or buddhahood, is that it isn’t a final destination. It’s not the end to a long journey, where once you arrive, you can never leave and slip into the darkness again. Regardless of how far along we think we are, there will always be dark times in our lives. This is a given. However, once everything is illuminated, you do tend to see things as they really are and even when you end up in the dark sometimes, you still remember what everything looks like when the light of buddhahood shines from inside you. It’s sort of like one of those images which, if you stare at it long enough, then close your eyes, you can still see it on the inside of your eyelids, or as a silhouette on a blank wall when you blink. Once you’ve seen it, it leaves an indelible impression on the mind.

Many people who hear the term “enlightenment” may think of it as some superhuman state that is the summit of buddhist practice and once it’s reached, it becomes your permanent address. As though, once you’ve “attained” enlightenment, you’ve scaled the tallest mountain, reached the peak and can then just observe the rest of humanity from above the clouds of delusion…  But you soon realize that you can’t always live at the top of the mountain, without coming back down to civilization. As the poet John Donne wrote,  “no man is an island…” Truer words were never spoken.  

Enlightenment, or buddhahood could be thought of more like a state (of mind) that you visit, but you don’t necessarily remember ever seeing it on a map (and it doesn’t show up in a Google search!) and you wonder how you’d never known about this place before. You’re not even sure how you ended up there, but somehow you know you’re not in the same place as where you started. When you finally arrive at the “enlightenment resort” you’re even more surprised to find out you left your baggage at home, but ironically, that was one of the requirements of your stay, as there is no room for baggage in the realm of buddhahood…

Once you’re settled in and immersed in your surroundings, you breathe in deeply and with each breath, you can feel the entire universe, filling your lungs. For the first time in your life, you’re able to think clearly and appreciate and make sense of all the things life has shown you, thus far, without the regrets of your past, or anxiety about tomorrow. You simply live. Fully. In that exact moment. That is a glimpse of what enlightenment feels like.

Once you’ve been there, of course you contemplate moving there permanently, or if nothing else, returning as soon as possible! Only, next time, you want to bring along everyone you know, because you couldn’t bear to keep this place all to yourself. You just want to share it, selflessly and gratuitously. That’s when you know your compassion for others has blossomed and you’re on the right path.

Sometimes, you’re able to retreat there for a longer period than before and things seem to fall into place, effortlessly and conflicts seem to dissolve without drama. Issues that once were burdensome seem to evaporate into the ether as you’re able to remain fully present and see everything for what it really is, instead of obsessing over the karma of your past causes or the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Sounds amazing, right? 

Well, it is. But it takes discipline to arrive at such a state and even more to maintain it, while being barraged by the pitfalls of one’s daily life. We need to be prepared for battle, each day and ready for surprise attacks, when we least expect them. This is exactly why buddhism is a practice and one of the things we do on a daily basis is to meditate and study the dharma, in order to keep us in rhythm with all things and beat with the pulse of the universe. 

It’s sort of like riding a well built, finely tuned bicycle on a smoothly paved road, in perfect weather, without cars or other dangerous obstacles to slow you down… You just coast along smiling, with the feel of the sun on your shoulders and the cool breeze from all the forward motion keeping the temperature of your life at perfect homeostasis... You’re blissful and truly living in the moment. It’s not that you’re suddenly devoid of problems or setbacks. Rather, you  have the realization that those things aren’t as important as this moment. Now is all there is. Your job is to be present. It’s developing the inner, unshakeable confidence that no matter what may come your way, you have the skillset to pedal through whatever catastrophe comes around the corner. You’re equipped with the ability to avoid a serious collision, because your heightened state of awareness allows you to see things before they blindside you. 

Taking this cycling analogy a step further, if that scenario is what’s considered enlightenment,  then what would the opposite feel like?  

Picture this, you’re happily coasting along this beautiful, evenly paved, country road, absorbing all the beauty and enjoying the pleasant weather. Then, suddenly a slew of cars and trucks appear from nowhere, the smooth road is now filled with potholes and loose gravel is spitting up at you as you spin your wheels, trying not to lose control. The sunny weather abruptly changes to heavy rain and harsh wind, knocking your bike off balance as the rain clouds obstruct your ability to see the road ahead.

Quite the dichotomy from the previous scenario, huh? Would that then be considered the antithesis of enlightenment, or what we also refer to as “delusion”? Sort of, but enlightenment and delusion can't be fully summed up in any one analogy. There are stages of both and within each is the potential for the other. It’s up to us to maintain control and keep navigating our lives toward truth.

The older I get and the more I study the dharma, the more I realize that life is just that way. It’s a long road trip, with a series of changing patterns in the environment that sometimes divert my attention from that peaceful and sometimes invigorating ride, where I feel the safest and the most grateful. That’s why I’ve learned to really appreciate those times where I’m able to soak in the present and really exist in the moment, without the regrets of my past, or anxiety about the future. Therein, lies absolute happiness.

Just like being on the road, I know life can never be without obstacles. The road frequently twists and turns and the climate and conditions are always changing. Even so, the more I practice, the easier and more familiar I become with that blissful state, where everything seems balanced and I can soak it all in and just enjoy the ride. The irony is that once you’ve visited that “enlightened” state and see how that smooth road has been there the whole time, the more life seems to throw you off course and fill it with potholes and dead ends. If we become too comfortable “coasting” along, and take for granted that we still need to pedal and put forth the energy to power through all the twists and turns, we’ll lose momentum and our vehicle comes to a halt. Then what? 

If those two scenarios represent enlightenment and delusion, then meditation and studying the dharma serve as the training you voluntarily commit to, in order to learn how to navigate your way through patches of rough road and harsh environmental conditions. It’s only through continued training that you’re able to see yourself through to the other side, with the least amount of injury or down time. It’s the hours spent observing your own mind through meditation that build the confidence that no matter how harsh the conditions, you’re sure you can get through it and once again coast down that beautiful road, with more appreciation for it, each time. 

With all that being said, even after years of practicing, sometimes those patches of inclement weather and rough riding roads have the ability to knock me off the bike, altogether. Even though I know that all I need to do is keep riding through the storm and I’ll eventually be back on track, no matter how much I’m aware of this, I can’t seem to get back on the bike. Instead, I just cover myself with the blanket of self-loathing and refuse to just get up, fix the bike and keep riding… That’s when I trudge through the harsh environment and look for the repair shop, which I inevitably find, in the wisdom of the dharma. It’s when I immerse myself in studying that subsequently re-ignites my passion to sit in meditation and put myself back in rhythm with the flow of the universe and contemplate my place within it. 

After spending some time seated and focused in my meditation, my vehicle is finally repaired and suddenly I’m equipped with the active GPS to get me through the other side. This is the “cycle” of faith in buddhism. Fall down seven times, get up eight. Defeat lies only in giving up. This is why we keep pedaling to develop that inner strength we need to continue striving.  

Even though I’ve been through thousands of these cycling trips and I’ve always managed to somehow use the same formula to find my way back to that enlightened state of my innate buddhahood, there are still instances that overwhelm me, where it all seems too much. It’s in those times that I spend way too much time covered in that blanket, just waiting for the storm to pass, because I’m too scared to move forward or I’m  just too tired of trudging through it. Even though I’m no stranger to the state of buddhahood, sometimes I can’t seem to remember how to find my way back to it and instead of remembering that the journey is inward, I look outside myself for the answers. That’s when I hit a wall and need to get back up and once again fix the vehicle of my faith and break through it. 

Over the last year or so, I’ve found myself at that point, more times than I care to admit. I’ve allowed myself to succumb to self doubt and I’ve become complacent and apathetic. There have been so many times where I’ve just thrown my hands up and surrendered to the beating. Even though I know I’m already innately a buddha and possess all the resources to look at my setbacks and disappointments as my enlightenment, occasionally I still allow that devil king to take control of my vehicle and send me barreling down into my fear and doubt.

One thing I’ve realized about apathy is that if I spend too much time in that emotional state, my confidence muscles begin to atrophy and getting them back up to the strength needed to keep pedaling and weather the storm, takes even more effort than before. Essentially, when my practice falls into a slump, I lose the momentum I’ve worked up to and my life falls out of sync with the forward flow of the universe and starts to waver, sideways. 

Fortunately, it’s in these times that I’ve been given the opportunity to grow the most and to become even stronger. Sometimes, the “beating” is a benefit, because it ignites that ‘fight or flight’ mechanism and causes the five senses to go into hyperdrive. The things I have at my disposal to take into battle are my access to the vast toolbox of buddhist wisdom and my own vow to accomplish my life’s mission. Sitting in meditation and studying is the only way to unlock the toolbox. The only way to become a mechanic of one’s own life and go inside to “fix” the things that keep the vehicle of our life moving forward, is to learn how to use the tools of buddhist wisdom to tighten up the loose areas of our character.  It’s in this way we can develop a stronger frame that’s able to withstand the beatings of the rough roads we inevitably encounter.  I know this because without all these setbacks, I couldn’t grow stronger and help others to do the same. Even an airplane needs the resistance of the oncoming wind, to take off and rise above the ground, to cruising altitude. 

The more I practice, the more I come to realize that the enlightenment I seek is actually found within the journey of my life. As difficult as it is to fathom, the obstacles, setbacks and disappointments are the very DNA of my enlightenment. The things that life throws at me continue to strengthen my character and the scars I accumulate from the many times I’ve gone into battle and lost, give me the wherewithal to continue fighting. This realization is the very impetus for the continued journey along the path and the inspiration to pass this knowledge along to as many as I can, while I’m still occupying this particular human body. 

So, maybe I’m not a fraud, after all?

Thanks for reading!